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Safely Approach an Orange

From wikiHowL, the joke how-to manual

Scientists are 99% sure oranges are safe, but not 100%. Worried about injuries that can occur in the presence of an orange? Here is as step by step guide on how to successfully approach and capture an orange without dying.

Steps

Approaching of the Orange

  1. DO NOT, by any means necessary, do anything to upset or anger the orange. Once you spot an orange and decide to capture it, be sure to be at a safe distance. During incident AE-O4, Scientist Ronald E. Dunkin was killed on the field due to being in close proximity with an angered orange. Therefore leading scientists say that a safe distance is approximately 21.5 yards. If the safe distance has been broken and orange is triggered, refer to Protocol A.
  2. When you are ready to approach the orange you will first have to recite the American National Antham in Latin to put the orange to sleep. Once the orange starts snoring, it is safe to break the 21.5 yard rule and and begin to approach the orange. Once you are in a proximity of 10 yards of the orange, begin to quietly whisper "I love you" to the orange to keep it happy and sleeping. Within a 5 yard proximity, things can start to get tricky. Oranges have very good hearing. they can hear your heartbeat when you get closer than 5 yards, so for this next part you must be quick. Keep getting closer until you hear the orange has stopped snoring. Once this has happened you must kiss the orange to secure your position of its devourment.
  3. Once the Orange has accepted you as its own, you must carefully capture it. Since oranges are a natural source of Uranium-235, they can be extremely radioactive. It is important to have a bag made of high grade lead to put it orange into and secure it. If you have followed all of the steps successfully, you should have a very happy orange inside a lead bag.

Protocol A.

  • If the safe distance has been broken and orange has shown signs of triggering, make sure that you follow these steps swiftly and carefully.
    • Turn off all the lights and power to the building.
    • Have a friend call the Military's Cheif Officer.
    • While you wait for the arrival of the military, help yourself to any coffee or tea.
    • Finally, once the military tanks and A-10 Warthogs have arrived, you may relax and be taken for a psychological reassessment.

Tips

  • Bananas are natural predators of the orange. Do not leave orange with banana unsupervised
  • Oranges have a diet of carefully selected boson particles, therefore the orange must not be fed human food
  • Oranges have an avarge IQ of 934
  • Take your orange on a walk once a fortnight
  • If your orange starts to show any signs of overthrowing the government, call the orange termination squad immediately

Warnings

  • Oranges must not be left alone UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!